How to Cope With Problems

How to get ahead in life from a guy who hasn’t done shit.
January 27, 2013, 8:15 am
Filed under: Public Speaking

Well, let me tell you, it’s all about hard work and persistence. At least that’s what I’ve heard, and that’s what I’m going to assume is true. Because it sure isn’t whatever I’ve been doing. But seriously, don’t listen to me, I’m just some fuck-off.

Anyway, the first step is to learn how to sell yourself. You need to get people interested in you, your abilities, and what you can do. And the first step to that is believing in yourself, and just follow your dream with confidence. If you don’t believe in yourself, no one else is going to. But sometimes you can be your own worst critic. Take it from me, I’ve been doubting myself for years. In fact, I doubt I can even finish this article that I set out to write. I mean, what am I even writing, anyway? It’s kind of just kinda sad, inane drivel. Excuse me, I’m going to go cry in the bathroom.

Okay, I’m back. I was about to erase those last two paragraphs because just look at them, they’re shit. But then I remembered the first rule of this article, and that’s have confidence in what you write, and so I’m going to keep it. Where was I? Oh yeah: confidence. In yourself; at all costs. Some people might say that if you keep chugging ahead with unbroken zeal despite all evidence to the contrary that, realistically, you don’t have what it takes to succeed, that that’s a form of insanity, like a snake eating its own tail, going round in little circles. But not me. I don’t say that. Or do I? Oh god. Do I? Maybe I do. Maybe I am insane!

Ok. I am back from another little cry in the bathroom. This time, I really was going to quit writing. But as I was curled in the fetal position on the cold, cold tiles, I remembered that self-doubt is just a sign of intelligence. So I think it’s actually a healthy sign. And that gives me the confidence I need to keep writing.

Ok, so the second biggest thing about getting people to take you seriously is to never contradict yourself. The second you do that, you look weak. And people get confused, and stop listening. For example, take this whole article. Why in god’s name would anyone read this? I mean, the fucking title contradicts itself. I mean, I should have called it “giant waste of time!” That would have been accurate, and shorter. Better all around, really.

Listen. Obviously I suck at this, and to be honest I’m having a really hard time finding employment, so please, if you’re reading this, take pity on me and help me out with something, anything. A job, or a dollar, whatever. I’m begging you. Don’t leave me here wallowing in my own filth! Teach me how to live! Oh, god! How do you people do it?  For god’s sake, someone, just help!

There. See what I did there? I turned my sad story into potential monetary gain. And that should teach you, my friends, that opportunity is everywhere, even where you least expect it. Anyway, I got shit to do, people, I’m not going to waste any more time explaining really simple stuff. Signing off!


I Have a Dream, or Something
February 18, 2012, 4:11 am
Filed under: Public Speaking

I have a dream, okay, that one day this nation will, like, rise up, you know, or something, and live out the true meaning of its creed, or whatever: “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal,” or something. Something like that.

Maybe it’s stupid, but I have a dream that one day on the red hills of Georgia, or somewhere around there, the sons of former slaves, and possibly the sons of former slave owners, will, I guess, be able to sit down together at the table of brotherhood, or, like, maybe something along those lines.

I kind of have something like a dream; let’s say, for the sake of argument, that it is, in fact a dream, even though, really, it’s more, like, just an idea that I thought of, and, you know, I just wanted to run it by you guys and see what you thought, and if you don’t like it, well, that’s okay, but I personally think it’s a really good idea. I mean I really think I’m on to something here. All I’m saying is just, hear me out here, you know? Anyway, sorry– I’m rambling. What was I saying? Oh yeah, ok, well, this thing, this “dream,” or what have you, was that one day even the state of Mississippi, a state sweltering with the heat of injustice, sweltering with the heat of oppression, will be transformed into an oasis of freedom and justice. And stuff.

I, ah, also have a dream that my four little children, I am hoping, will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character or whatever.

I have a dream today!

I have a dream that one day, down in Alabama, with its vicious racists, with its governor having his lips dripping with the words of “interposition” and “nullification” — but just to be clear I am not referring to everybody in Alabama, I know that there are many non-racists in Alabama, I’m just referring to the few bad eggs that spoil it for everyone else — one day right there in Alabama little black boys and/or black girls will be able to join hands, maybe, with little white boys and/or white girls as sisters and/or brothers if they want, no pressure.

I have a dream today!

I have a dream, or something, that one day every valley shall be exalted (or as many as possible at least) and every hill and mountain shall be made low (again, within the bounds of what can realistically be expected), the rough places will be made mostly plain, I guess, and, along with that, also, the crooked places will be made all straight (you know?) “and the glory of the Lord shall be revealed and all flesh shall see it together.” Or not. You don’t have to say yes right away. Take your time; sleep on it. When you’re ready, I’ll be waiting by the phone.

Anyway, think about it.


How to Cook Hard Boiled Eggs While Being Mauled by a Bear
September 23, 2010, 5:40 am
Filed under: Food

Few cooks expect to be viciously attacked by a bear in the middle of their kitchens, and this is precisely why, when the unexpected occurs, it can ruin even the simplest and most well-prepared of breakfasts. For those who don’t already know how to hard-boil an egg, a fierce problem rears even larger: the first crucial instants of a predatory strike can quickly reduce even the brightest student to a mangled pile of bones and flesh. Hopefully for some this tutorial will make the difference between a fast, easy nutritious snack and a horrific bloodbath in the aftermath of which nothing will remain except a battery of claw-marks across the stove and cabinets, along with ten thin trails snaking through the caked pools of blood to the doorway–a telling representation of how you will have spent your last fleeting moments vainly grasping at the slick tiles in a desperate effort to stave off your immanent devouring.


  • 4 cups water
  • 1-4 eggs
  • salt or hot sauce, if desired
  • A humane bear capture device such as a “tube trap” or a rubber snare.


In a medium-sized pot, bring the water to a boil. With a pair of tongs or a spoon, gently lower each egg into the water, being careful not to strike the egg against the bottom of the pot. The eggs should be fully submerged. Boil the eggs for 10 minutes, take them out, put them in a bowl and set aside to cool for 5 minutes. When they are cool enough that you can hold them in your hand comfortably, lightly strike each egg against the rim of the bowl to crack the shell. Then, piece by piece, peel away the shell into the trash. Salt and/or sauce the eggs as desired, and serve. If at any point during this process a bear attacks, hurl the boiling water, pot, pan, kitchen knives and anything else within reach at the hungry herbivore and try to run. Do not try to “reason” with the bear. Do not try to offer the bear one or all of your hard boiled eggs– even if the bear wants the eggs, it will still be hungry afterward. If you manage to escape, when you return you will have to make sure that the bear is gone before you restart the process of making hard-boiled eggs. Take a good look around your kitchen. If you are completely sure there is no bear in your kitchen, you may begin cooking.

A few good signs that a bear may still be in your kitchen:

  • Upon returning to your kitchen you are immediately mauled by a bear.
  • The door to your fridge is torn off its hinges but your triple-decker sandwich is STILL THERE.
  • Wait… why did the vanity plate on that camper in the driveway read “BOOBOO2”?

Next Week:

Sesame Strawberry Salad with Red Wine Vinegar, Sesame Oil and Shallots: A Precocious Recipe to Quickly Toss While Hurtling Towards Silent Death In the Endless Void of Space.