How to Cope With Problems

How to Cook Hard Boiled Eggs While Being Mauled by a Bear
September 23, 2010, 5:40 am
Filed under: Food

Few cooks expect to be viciously attacked by a bear in the middle of their kitchens, and this is precisely why, when the unexpected occurs, it can ruin even the simplest and most well-prepared of breakfasts. For those who don’t already know how to hard-boil an egg, a fierce problem rears even larger: the first crucial instants of a predatory strike can quickly reduce even the brightest student to a mangled pile of bones and flesh. Hopefully for some this tutorial will make the difference between a fast, easy nutritious snack and a horrific bloodbath in the aftermath of which nothing will remain except a battery of claw-marks across the stove and cabinets, along with ten thin trails snaking through the caked pools of blood to the doorway–a telling representation of how you will have spent your last fleeting moments vainly grasping at the slick tiles in a desperate effort to stave off your immanent devouring.


  • 4 cups water
  • 1-4 eggs
  • salt or hot sauce, if desired
  • A humane bear capture device such as a “tube trap” or a rubber snare.


In a medium-sized pot, bring the water to a boil. With a pair of tongs or a spoon, gently lower each egg into the water, being careful not to strike the egg against the bottom of the pot. The eggs should be fully submerged. Boil the eggs for 10 minutes, take them out, put them in a bowl and set aside to cool for 5 minutes. When they are cool enough that you can hold them in your hand comfortably, lightly strike each egg against the rim of the bowl to crack the shell. Then, piece by piece, peel away the shell into the trash. Salt and/or sauce the eggs as desired, and serve. If at any point during this process a bear attacks, hurl the boiling water, pot, pan, kitchen knives and anything else within reach at the hungry herbivore and try to run. Do not try to “reason” with the bear. Do not try to offer the bear one or all of your hard boiled eggs– even if the bear wants the eggs, it will still be hungry afterward. If you manage to escape, when you return you will have to make sure that the bear is gone before you restart the process of making hard-boiled eggs. Take a good look around your kitchen. If you are completely sure there is no bear in your kitchen, you may begin cooking.

A few good signs that a bear may still be in your kitchen:

  • Upon returning to your kitchen you are immediately mauled by a bear.
  • The door to your fridge is torn off its hinges but your triple-decker sandwich is STILL THERE.
  • Wait… why did the vanity plate on that camper in the driveway read “BOOBOO2”?

Next Week:

Sesame Strawberry Salad with Red Wine Vinegar, Sesame Oil and Shallots: A Precocious Recipe to Quickly Toss While Hurtling Towards Silent Death In the Endless Void of Space.


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