How to Cope With Problems


How to get ahead in life from a guy who hasn’t done shit.
January 27, 2013, 8:15 am
Filed under: Public Speaking

Well, let me tell you, it’s all about hard work and persistence. At least that’s what I’ve heard, and that’s what I’m going to assume is true. Because it sure isn’t whatever I’ve been doing. But seriously, don’t listen to me, I’m just some fuck-off.

Anyway, the first step is to learn how to sell yourself. You need to get people interested in you, your abilities, and what you can do. And the first step to that is believing in yourself, and just follow your dream with confidence. If you don’t believe in yourself, no one else is going to. But sometimes you can be your own worst critic. Take it from me, I’ve been doubting myself for years. In fact, I doubt I can even finish this article that I set out to write. I mean, what am I even writing, anyway? It’s kind of just kinda sad, inane drivel. Excuse me, I’m going to go cry in the bathroom.

Okay, I’m back. I was about to erase those last two paragraphs because just look at them, they’re shit. But then I remembered the first rule of this article, and that’s have confidence in what you write, and so I’m going to keep it. Where was I? Oh yeah: confidence. In yourself; at all costs. Some people might say that if you keep chugging ahead with unbroken zeal despite all evidence to the contrary that, realistically, you don’t have what it takes to succeed, that that’s a form of insanity, like a snake eating its own tail, going round in little circles. But not me. I don’t say that. Or do I? Oh god. Do I? Maybe I do. Maybe I am insane!

Ok. I am back from another little cry in the bathroom. This time, I really was going to quit writing. But as I was curled in the fetal position on the cold, cold tiles, I remembered that self-doubt is just a sign of intelligence. So I think it’s actually a healthy sign. And that gives me the confidence I need to keep writing.

Ok, so the second biggest thing about getting people to take you seriously is to never contradict yourself. The second you do that, you look weak. And people get confused, and stop listening. For example, take this whole article. Why in god’s name would anyone read this? I mean, the fucking title contradicts itself. I mean, I should have called it “giant waste of time!” That would have been accurate, and shorter. Better all around, really.

Listen. Obviously I suck at this, and to be honest I’m having a really hard time finding employment, so please, if you’re reading this, take pity on me and help me out with something, anything. A job, or a dollar, whatever. I’m begging you. Don’t leave me here wallowing in my own filth! Teach me how to live! Oh, god! How do you people do it?  For god’s sake, someone, just help!

There. See what I did there? I turned my sad story into potential monetary gain. And that should teach you, my friends, that opportunity is everywhere, even where you least expect it. Anyway, I got shit to do, people, I’m not going to waste any more time explaining really simple stuff. Signing off!

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I Have a Dream, or Something
February 18, 2012, 4:11 am
Filed under: Public Speaking

I have a dream, okay, that one day this nation will, like, rise up, you know, or something, and live out the true meaning of its creed, or whatever: “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal,” or something. Something like that.

Maybe it’s stupid, but I have a dream that one day on the red hills of Georgia, or somewhere around there, the sons of former slaves, and possibly the sons of former slave owners, will, I guess, be able to sit down together at the table of brotherhood, or, like, maybe something along those lines.

I kind of have something like a dream; let’s say, for the sake of argument, that it is, in fact a dream, even though, really, it’s more, like, just an idea that I thought of, and, you know, I just wanted to run it by you guys and see what you thought, and if you don’t like it, well, that’s okay, but I personally think it’s a really good idea. I mean I really think I’m on to something here. All I’m saying is just, hear me out here, you know? Anyway, sorry– I’m rambling. What was I saying? Oh yeah, ok, well, this thing, this “dream,” or what have you, was that one day even the state of Mississippi, a state sweltering with the heat of injustice, sweltering with the heat of oppression, will be transformed into an oasis of freedom and justice. And stuff.

I, ah, also have a dream that my four little children, I am hoping, will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character or whatever.

I have a dream today!

I have a dream that one day, down in Alabama, with its vicious racists, with its governor having his lips dripping with the words of “interposition” and “nullification” — but just to be clear I am not referring to everybody in Alabama, I know that there are many non-racists in Alabama, I’m just referring to the few bad eggs that spoil it for everyone else — one day right there in Alabama little black boys and/or black girls will be able to join hands, maybe, with little white boys and/or white girls as sisters and/or brothers if they want, no pressure.

I have a dream today!

I have a dream, or something, that one day every valley shall be exalted (or as many as possible at least) and every hill and mountain shall be made low (again, within the bounds of what can realistically be expected), the rough places will be made mostly plain, I guess, and, along with that, also, the crooked places will be made all straight (you know?) “and the glory of the Lord shall be revealed and all flesh shall see it together.” Or not. You don’t have to say yes right away. Take your time; sleep on it. When you’re ready, I’ll be waiting by the phone.

Anyway, think about it.

-Martin